He needed a blood transfusion and antibiotics and medicine to make his heart slow down. There were wires everywhere. He was swollen and tired. It was the most surreal situation I’d ever experienced.
The doctors were good and informative but there were so many. And no one had the answer. At one point photos of the secondary infection sight were shared with colleagues because they’d never seen a case like his.
We had our family and friend’s support. But my John and I were distant. We weren’t very strong before. I didn’t feel hopeful or secure. I didn’t pray. And I didn’t know how this would impact us.
People wonder how you can be strong in times of crisis. You just are. You just do it. You have no choice.
After a week in intensive care we spent a few days in the pediatric wing. Things were under control, even looking up and B was starting to get back to himself. We took wagon rides down the hallways and around the garden. Before it was over it started to feel normal.
Because he was so small and so sick his body developed an autoimmune disorder called Autoimmune Neutropenia that would ultimately last for two years. His immune system was compromised so extra precautions were in order. But he was ok now – so we did what we had to do to keep him healthy.
It’s been three and a half years since B’s initial illness and I still feel guilt and failure. It’s probably natural for the mother to blame herself. Seems logical. We are the protectors. It wasn’t until recently I actually said out loud that my son was deathly ill – he could have died.
If he hadn’t recieved the transfusion he would have. I can’t imagine having actually lost him. Thinking of it all I see is an empty life. Writing it doesn’t even seem real.
In talking to close family about this we all seem to recall different peices of information and memories about that time. Still no one knows for sure how this perfect storm of bad luck was formed. And why??
On the last day in the hospital my mother-in-law brought B french fries (exactly what he needed – fried chemicals). I took this picture of him on her lap. Resilient and happy as can be.